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my views

Written by Niek.

This editorial is written because it is personal clear to me, that my thoughts and my understandings of what I hear or read from others, in Dutch or any other language, is my personal and exceptional view. The reason for this item is, that what I hear or see, is nothing more than my interpretation of what I understand of it. I may like it or not. That is not the question. It is the other one's vision. As I understand it. Like your thoughts and your understandings are yours. So your green may be another green than my green (with more or less yellow in it). Nevertheless we call this color both green. Without knowing if my green is really the same as yours . We may think so. But do we really know, that we see both the same green? I doubt that. And I do not want to call the green I see, to be the reality also for you. Just for me is OK. But also for you? I doubt that. Because this is most possibly not right. Because there may be some thousand expressions of green!

The same may be the case with a simple word like - for instance - the word 'table'. That mostly may be just understood like something that is round or square, or oblong or only just something with three or four table legs. In fact this means,that in both cases - as well by the word 'color' as well as by the word 'table' (etcetera) - we have no idea about what we are talking in reality. We do even not know how big, high or low this simple expression of the word 'table' may be. And the question is still open if this table is made from wood, iron or plastic etc.

So it is still not at all an unique observation: that we have in fact no precise idea where we are talking about! Because you have your understandings of what a table is, like I have mine. And we have that idea possibly already also for a long time. By the way we got it also in different times and different ways and in different cultures. Depending to our personal history and to our own experiences so far. Nevertheless we think both, that we do have the same item in mind. Which I think is in fact highly arrogant. Because I have no real idea about what you have in mind. Maybe there is something happening that I can observe it in relation to it. And that proves me, what really is going on for you. But still this is my observation. My table is mine and yours is still yours...

The reason why we still think, that we have the same subject in mind, though being honest we do not know, is possibly, also a very simple one. Because it looks so much easier, and so much more comfortable, and convenient, to suggest that we have both the same expressions in mind. I want that, so my intention is already, that it may be like that. But, to make it more complicated, on the other hand: we forget to realize, to be honest, that your and mine experience is so far based on certain (and also most possible different) cultural roots. So what we both think is, practically and easily: that we have the same item in mind. But that is just the question! Are we really so sure to have the same item in mind? Or is it just wishful thinking?

I am afraid that it is in the core only wishful thinking. In the benefit of each of us. No doubts about that. But to be honest and being precisely, we have no checkpoint. Except from our own observation and interpretation. Which is highly personal. So I prefer to call my view - for each of us - 'our own' reality. Because we are most possible just NOT talking about, or observing, 'the same' item! We both have only our own interpretation of it in our minds. And that is just all what we have in common! So we really do not know where about we are talking. And it makes even no difference in whatever kind of language we are expressing ourselves. It is astonishing, to realize, when somebody, who was always very close to you, appears to have a totally other view than you suggested they should have, based on their original starting point. (Where we both agreed on it!)

This proves, how difficult it is to do research about communication items. Especially and the more if we compare this also with my personal responsibility and my need for non authoritarianism. And how complicated communication in practice actual works. Because you have really no idea in which direction the thoughts of your co-co partner has gone after you met them for instance two, four or six hours later. Supposing that you want to continue your exchange of views like you did earlier. If so, you have to make a total new setup before you can continue! And still, the question stays: are you really talking about the same item?

non verbal and in silence
How to overcome the problem in general, to know where we are talking about, seems to be a real problem that we not easily can overcome with ordinary words. According to personally approaches it is very helpful to use one of the - in my experience very helpful - approaches of CCI. It is called the 'do as if' approach. That anyway helped me efficiently to overcome those problems. In normal words it says: 'just experience it and try out how it works for you'. Just do it'. This way of working is what we are used to practice in CCI co-counseling. And it helps (me). But do not ask me why, Possibly because it also includes a situation we have no words for. It has to do with honesty, with unconditional trust, with silence, with self respect.

The only solution we, you and I, can offer each other, is to accept the reality of our own experience at that special moment when it is your turn (reciprocally) in equality. And that I respect that in silence. That means for me that I admit that I really do not know where you are talking about. If that is my truth. And I respect that. And that I admit also when you say that you do understand what I say. And it is also OK with me if you feel the need to contradict that also the same moment after that. Because you are in charge now. And that means too, that we both agree that we really do - or do not - understand each other by ourselves, that you really do not understand what I mean. I have to accept that as well as your view. And to accept that as a fact also.

Apart from that all, it is interesting to note here now my personal experience with the since 2007 used, so called CCI sign language. This CCI sign language was developed for international CCI meetings where people from many different countries and total different languages, met and might work with each other. It was the result of my attending the first CCI meeting in Hungary, in 1989, where the idea attached my attention. Still I needed almost 10 years to develop it! My experience is, that people so far, is very well able to find their own way! If they really understood what was said in sessions etc. is anyhow still an unanswered question! Interesting also is it, to note that the signs showed here, are not translated into words. The signs stay for some kind of activity and it is you who has to do the activity. So you are in charge to make the choice if you want that to do or not.

Having personally some experiences with people who had some difficulties with hearing - being deaf - and wondering how they managed to have fun with each other, without verbal talking, showed me the way to the Dutch Sign Center (www.gebaren taal,nl). And the CCI Sign language was born! Like almost every language that has now its own signs! Nowadays the 12 CCI-different signs, to experience themselves some of the core of a CCI session, are now available for 9 languages: Czechoslovakia, Israel, Germany, Hungarian, English, French, Netherlands, Spanish, Japanese, Surinames (Papiamento) and Polish. Copies are available at this website.

The result of this experience is, that ´they´ as far as I could observe, did hardly use this sign language. There seems to be some resistance against it. As reminder of the 12 tools of those 12 signs, were only accepted as illustration. It was so far not an item to advocate the CCI idea to other foreign countries. CCI mostly stayed to be English (American) speaking oriented. Though there were several activities in also not English oriented countries. The human need for another approach then the usual one, based on the personal needs of those who are in charge, is still enormous. Interesting is also to note that the CCI signs are representing activities. It is you, being in charge, who practice the activity!

early experiences
In CCI there is an exercise in which we invite people strongly to talk about their very early experiences with emotional happenings in their life, using their first language. People is invited in this exercise, to express in words their personal and emotional feelings from long ago. Just as they perceived them and they may come back as if they happened just now. The result of this invitation is, that a lot of those feelings (seems) to come back too. Doing so - without our commends - they do very well. We can observe that. Even the work of those who are 'just beginners' in the world of co-counseling, use the method of sign language as a non verbal guideline in their session. Because they can react directly , without bothering themselves about my 'strange' translations in using the CCI method in my special American-English.

no commends
The CCI rule, that we never refer to what happens in a session, the so called working time, to nobody at all, is more than a right to honor your privacy. It is as much honoring that you are a self responsible entity. Like me. An entity that acknowledged our self responsibility and autonomy. So in my view, this rule, to honor you, is not just to honor your privacy, but has beyond a far deeper background: I respect your insights as much as I do respect mine. Even when I do not agree with you. And that means, that I acknowledge, that we both are lonely, equal entities with certain capacities in common with each other, which are wise to celebrate! Like respect for each others view(s). And like wording your personal ideas which, activity, according to my experiences, works like an healing activity. This silence from me, has not only to do with your self responsibility, as well as much with your working in autonomy. Which means, that you have all rights to be self responsible and to celebrate their differences in it.

epilogue
This article is the result of my practice of 33 years of the method of the CCI approach for my inner feelings and emotions and my inner personal believe(s). I want to make clear that this method has helped me tremendously to overcome the questions and visions I had and have in my struggle to survive. I do hope that my journey and my reporting about that also may have contribute to your journey and your wellbeing.

 

... just listen

listen

by Rudolph Giesselman
  • flowerThere's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self.
    Aldous Huxley
  • I believe that we are solely responsible for our choices, and we have to accept the consequences of every deed, word, and thought throughout our lifetime.
    Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
  • pacificlandscape
    Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.
    Rumi 1207-1273